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‘Godzilla’

Hollywood offers up another brain-dead remake


The past few years have produced a large number of bad remakes and sequels. “Robocop,” “Total Recall,” “Carrie” were all rotten remakes, while “Promethius” and “The Dark Knight Rises” were just a couple of the horrible sequels.

All in all, Hollywood’s done a bad job lately with its various franchises ..

WHAT WORKED
… thus the commercial for the new “Godzilla” remake filled me with hope — the wonderful actors (Bryan Cranston, David Strathairn, Ken Watanabe), awesome looking special effects, complete with paratroopers attacking Godzilla — and a monster clearly intent on smashing up cities, all made for a great trailer. The music was good.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK
So imagine my shock when the actual film featured about 10 minutes of the title character, which, instead of being a terrifying machine of destruction was instead — apparently — a lovable, radioactive super monster who actually winks at one of the good guys. The aforementioned actors either chewed scenery (Cranston) or were so disinterested that they looked high (Watanabe). Of course with a script so stupid and boring, one can hardly blame them.

And the best scene of the movie, the paratroopers? They weren’t jumping to plant a bomb on old ‘Zilla, rather they were jumping down to turn off a bomb by Godzilla. Because Godzilla is good, see? What an absolutely horrible, dumb, would-never-happen-in-real-life plot. And yet writer Max Borenstein based the lead character (boringly played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson) entirely on this idiot idea.

While it’s natural to want to pander to fans, “Godzilla” takes that to bizarro extremes. While Godzilla eventually became a sort of protector of Tokyo, in the original it mercilessly killed thousands upon thousands of people while smashing the city. That film — somehow — remains the best of the bunch and is still scary even today.

The same couldn’t be further from the truth in this gutless remake — 20 seconds of “Cloverfield” has more intensity than the entirety of “Godzilla.”

The Zilla hunters begin calling the other monsters “Mutos” as an obvious nod to fans, yet never bother to actually give them real names, even as simple as “Alpha” and “Beta.” And why they’re even in this flick is beyond me — Godzilla smashing Tokyo not good enough? So dumb.

And there are so many continuity errors, both in script and production, that it’s impossible to begin to share them all. Suffice it to say that even the weak as cotton “Pacific Rim” was better than this stinkfest. Really and truly one of the worst, most boring films I have ever seen. I went to see the film with several friends and two of them actually fell asleep while suffering through this wreck.

Worse than being a bad movie, the trailer was cut in such a way that someone in Hollywood knew what kind of movie we wanted to see — but not since “Alien 3” has there been a more misleading trailer.

And one last slap in the face to the poor fools who paid to see this, the 3-D effects are non-existent beyond the opening credits. Clearly it wasn’t shot in 3-D, and the post process did little to help. I ended up taking off the glasses as they were all but unneeded.

This movie made money, and they’re already letting director Gareth Edwards make a Star Wars movie, and a sequel to this movie is in the works, but I’ll never see it. Fool me once, shame on you as they say.

GIVING CREDIT WHERE IT’S DUE
“Godzilla” was directed by Gareth Edwards, based on a story by Dave Callaham and a script by Max Borenstein. It stars Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Bryan Cranston, David Strathairn and Ken Watanabe.

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Could they be a gh...gh...gh...ghost? Rut-ro! Shaggy
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